It has taken me 10years to find myself. I thought I knew my destination, the terrain of thoughts that keeps me on schedule and sometimes not, it all seemed sorted out. A lot pf people my age are standing on successful grounds. Even with their struggles, they kept the wheel of life rolling; many would call it ‘moving on’, but it really is just the wheel rolling.
When my parents and grandmother praised my writing and artwork, i thought I already had whatever it takes to be successful. They were always so proud of me; even when I did nothing ! All those marshmallows in my mouth melted in my ego, and all that was left to achieve was a successful marriage. It has taken many agendas off route; to make me understand that the meaning of my own existence lies only in my hands.
I banked on all the relations, friendship, in laws, colleagues… Yet I stand alone… Perhaps I invested in the right places but through wrong channels.
As my daughter gets closer to the start of her teens. Her innocent question being, ‘mama, you can write poems?’ , ‘mama, how did you know the math problem?’ or to her sheer surprise when I told her office stories and she asked, “you really worked in the office before I was born?”. An innocent little mind has always seen her mom cooking in the kitchen, making sure the house is in order, kept family ties strong, making sure of everyone’s comfort, entertained guests and retired as an exhausted horse at the end of the day; the fact that her mom Is educated relays queries in her small mind.
I graduated as an art student, worked as a kindergarten teacher, displayed art work and sold some too, then worked as a creative writer, took some spiritual walks alongside… and declined a dream job offer to work as a research writer in a well known magazine at the time my wedding date was set. 10 years ago…
In a third world country, it takes up all the energy to prepare for ones own wedding, emotionally and physically. Specially when its arranged !